Familiars & Relationship Building
We are creatures of habit. We excel when we are in a routine. Our minds are wired with receptors that allow us to categorize information into buckets. Buckets are familiars. Familiars are how we identify situations which activate our flight or fight responder. Ideas, thoughts and feelings are all stored in the brain as cells that react to neuron receptors. Science has proven this, this is factual.
How that all works to sustain the relationships with people we have is the complicated part, familiars could result in the death of a relationship. It’s the pattern of which our brain associates different memories (familiars) to connect the dots for us to react to what is happening in our present (the linking pieces are providing by the receptors).
Identifying which receptors are activated at which point is critical to reprogramming them; hurt could be connected to anger which is connected to disappointment which is connected to love — every situations and scenario is different and we don’t recognize these things because life keeps us too busy to stop and evaluate every moment, every choice, every experience.
We can however retrain our brain into connecting the receptors at different levels but that takes time, patience and diligence.
Imagine a connection from point A to point B. Just like driving from home to the grocery store, we pass many things along the way, that’s quite similar to what happens in our brains — it just happens at rapid speeds or nanoseconds. Faster than our minds can rationalize with our conscious, we pass the fast food joint and see a woman and man arguing in the parking lot (we may not realize it but as our eyes take that in, our brain is categorizing that experience to a familiar). Driving a little further down the road, the car in front of us slams on their breaks as to avoid an accident in front of him (which we cannot see), instantly we react as our brain responds to what we see. This is done so quickly that our reaction comes before we can process the situation.
Upon returning home, we are asked how the trip to the store was — and perhaps it was quick, in and out, was able to get what we needed. We may respond with hard, scary and long — it wasn’t the destination that was difficult, it’s how our brain responded to the events we saw along the way that made it difficult. Our brain activated receptors that distributed emotions that are tied to memories of our past that exhaust us subconsciously. The connection from point A to point B, proved to be a workout because of the “stuff” along the way.
I recall working with a woman every day with her seemed to be a struggle. I tried hard to be extra nice to this woman, everyone else we worked with seemed “normal” but this woman seemed to have some sort of vendetta against me, and I couldn’t understand why. One day, during a conversation — she was able to identify the receptor, and proceeded to share with us.
“My daughter, who you remind me of, would always give me that look you do when you do X. I remember in her adolescent years how she would test me and when I see that look, it reminds me of those times with her — and as a result I shut down.”
What was actually happening was her receptors were providing her with how to react to the familiar she was experiencing. Unfortunate in this case it wasn’t correct, as so often it is and as a result our relationship was scorned. How could I have known that my face — not even directed to her, but what she observed was causing a painful relapse in her subconscious?
Have you ever noticed how the scent of a perfume will instantly take you back so a time in your past? That’s a familiar, and it’s important to respond accordingly… not based on that familiar but in the present.
A woman experiences her husband do something different, he puts cologne on before he steps out to have a cigarette… it may have seemed no big deal to him. He subconsciously is consistently looking for ways to help alleviate discomfort from his wife, his goal is her happiness. He knows his wife doesn’t like the smell of cigarette smoke which is why he agreed not to smoke in the house. Realizing this, he (subconsciously) attempts to mask the result of his habit by the cologne. His wife on the other hand, (subconsciously) recalls a time in a past relationship where the man would put his cologne on, which time proved was for the benefit of another woman. Her receptor was activated by the familiar of the situation faster than her brain could identify the new situation.
She was on guard before her husband realized… the connection was made subconsciously — throwing an unwarranted situation into the present.
Resentment follows, as the wife tries to understand why this keeps happening to her, and her husband feels uncomfortable with her due to the accusations he is facing when he hasn’t done anything wrong. In fact, in his mind — he was going above and beyond for his wife by trying to help the situation that he cannot control (his smoking addiction). And now they are in a mess, all because of a familiar memory that was unjustifiably connected to the present.
Familiars can be good things; they can provide us with the link to react accordingly with little effort on our end. Our leaders, the elect top of their field — have learned how to control their familiars in relation to their receptors which seems to cause them to excel in all they do. Spiritual guides also have learned to dominate their receptors as a result of connecting with their spiritual Authority (inner subconscious).
Meditation is a highly effective tool that allows us to overcome our receptors because it provides us with needed time to analyze the situations we face each day in order to see the patterns so that we can change them. Communication starts with us internally. If we are to be successful in communication with other people — we have to be able to master our emotions in dealing and communicating with our subconscious first.
From our example above, had the wife trusted her Spiritual guide when the husband put on the cologne and not questioned or linked it to a past event, the problem in their marriage could have been avoided. For asking he may not have provided a response sufficient to rewire the receptor, as he may too not have realized the why in what he was doing it. His need to care for her on all fronts is a natural occurrence, not something he is consciously thinking about.
Later on while they were in bed, the smell of the cologne lingered on — and she found it very attractive, she no longer linked it to a bad occurrence. She was with her husband that was the only thing on her mind — her mind was dominating any receptors at that point, love overcomes all fears in that moment, Love Conquers All, yet how could she compliment him on the scent when less than an hour ago she was accusing him due to the scent. We need to unlearn what we learned in order to relearn it.
It’s a process and it’s challenging and it takes time. Most people give up at some point over the course of time because they are impatient about the change. It’s a constant effort to remain committed to change. It’s requires diligence that we rarely have consciously, but we can achieve success when we commit ourselves to a higher authority and we tap into that power.
Achieving success in the reprogramming of a receptor is critical to having a successful relationship in every arena of our lives. Are we committed and do we have the patience required to outlast the time it will take to overcome — to have that happy healthy life we desire?
